i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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