Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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