Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
