this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
