All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
