the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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