Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
