she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
