Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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