I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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