I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
