Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
