If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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