I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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