i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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