i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
