i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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