The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
