i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize