Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How external is "for external use only"?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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