Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
