Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
