i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
