I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize