she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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