pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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