dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
