I cannot find my penis.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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