The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
