Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If I die, sorry about rent.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
