There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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