If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
