Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
