i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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