were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
