I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
