I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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