dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
