Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
