I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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