Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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