i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
