He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
