All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
