It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
