i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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