remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
