I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
