i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
