Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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