So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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