In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
