What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
