i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
