When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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