ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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