thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
