We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
