when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
