Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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