Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i was born a porn star she said
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize