I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
