Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
