I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
