I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My vagina is officially offended.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
