im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
