I have demons in me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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