And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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