The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
