Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
