all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
