I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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