Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize