i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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