wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was born a porn star she said
I need to stop coming to work sober
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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