my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
