I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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